Get Real

I wanna be real abt me

The unspoken words, the hidden fears, the secret desires

I wanna be real to Him

No matter how ashamed & condemned I feel whenever, whatever

Keeping things in, not consciously telling it to Him or anyone

Where does this lead? Where do I go with it?

I think He knows it even if I dun say it

True. But He wants me to own it

To own those wrong thoughts, those crazy fears, those uncertainties I feel inside

He wants me to say it, wants me to share it, wants me to admit it

Certain things in life are often left untouched

Certain things in life are preferred to be played down

The carpet is only that thick

All the sweeping under it has caused a bulge that’s as plain as day

At least to me & definitely to Him

Yet He waits

I read that He waits to be wanted

He waits for that moment of desperation when I need a time-out

When I stop trying on my own

When I realise I have not spoken directly to Him – yet.

Never does He force His way in to get me to talk

Never will He be upset or impatient with my slowness or self-reliance

He lets me rely on myself, knowing I will realise sooner or later

That there is but one direction to right towards – Him.

So I shall remember to run

Remember to unhide

Remember to say

Remember on Him I must rely

Throwing the carpet out now

A clear floor keeps the dust mites away anyway

I wanna be real abt me

The unspoken words, the hidden fears, the secret desires

I wanna be real to Him

So that I can be relieved, restored, revived, whenever, whatever…

Almost 4 months have passed since the start of 2009. 1 month has passed since my birthday. 1 & half months to wedding shoot. 2 more months to renovation completion. Less than 6 months to the next big day (children’s day). Less than 6 months to my wedding.

God has been good. 

Past few days I’ve been speaking with some colleagues who wanted to buy the Simei DBSS units. Colleagues who are worried they will  not get a flat.. concerned abt the price, the location, the ballot, the first come first serve approach for Simei DBSS, resale vs new, cash top ups, HDB grants, etc….. really brought me back to 1 year ago when we decided to ballot for Linear Green @ Bedok Central.

We wanted it and fasted & prayed together. Somehow I was positive that we really did stand a chance, despite the ratio of available flats to applicants being abt 1 : 12. And really told God I wanted it.. haha.. yes, God, I know you hear my prayers. Thankfully, despite the high price for the flat, we did not have to top up cash, yeah.

The search for an ID was quite exhausting. Meet ups, design plan, discuss, view clients’ place (rather disappointing), looking thru thousands of ID mags… finally we found WK! Yes, only WK can take Eric’s neuroticness, attention to the smallest details, boldering on “freakiness” as he would put it (ok dear, dun kill me). hahaha.. :p

Ultimately, we really hope our home will be a place that pple will enjoy coming to & feel comfortable. So yes, you’re invited!

Time flies… from now until 10 Oct, Lord keep my mind clear & heart open. Dun wanna be lost in all the outward prep that I forget to prep my inward heart for the change in my role & it’s expectations.

FB says I will make a happy wife. Haha, i truly hope so!! Dun sweat the small stuff and learn patience.. Lord give me patience.. haha, ok, dun have to be NOW. *grinz* :p

It is 21 April 2009. I have yet to tone up, go facial, go dye my hair, fix appt for photo shoot, choose my wedding gown for photo shoot, book make up artist. But I am really thankful for how smooth the wedding & reno prep has been thus far. Eric Kong is great!

Haha, still considering if we shld start a reno / wedding blog to capture all the reno stages & wedding preparation. Takes effort.. I can’t even keep this personal blog updated!! We see how… 

I want to sing

Until I am lost in Your love

‘Til I’m found in your presence

Worshipping before Your throne

Moved by Your Spirit

Entering into Your flow

How precious this moment

Lord, I want You to know…

It’s You

You who have won my heart

Taken me into Your arms

Comforted me like a friend

Your love

Surrounded me from the start

I never want to be apart

From You ever again…

This song never fails to bring down the presence of God for me.. never fails to bring me back to my youth days. A reminder of the faithfulness of God all these years and how He has never let me go. 

Like the song says… I wanna sing & keep singing until I am lost in Your love. No matter how hard it is or how long the singing takes. I never want to be apart from Him ever again. 

*Never let me go, as I try to hold on tight until I see You face to face*  =)

Today is 1 Feb 2009. Time flies.. FLIES! week after week, month upon month.. soon i’ll be preparing for the start of my renovation & then photoshoot & before we know it, October is closing. I really dun want another year to go by without much growth or expansion. 

Lengthen your cords * Strengthen your stakes * Expand to the right & to the left * Think it is HIGH TIME I get my spiritual life strengthened… no more excuses, it’s been far to long & too much is at stake. Been reading John Bevere’s “Driven by Eternity”. Would definitely recommend to this book to everyone.. it really put the fear of the Lord in me.. if fact I had been little *depressed* after reading half the book – realise how lightly I have been taking my walk.. how deceived many including myself have been. We are called to work out our salvation with fear & trembling. How many of us truly understand the meaning of this verse or why God said it?  - “Why do you call me Lord, Lord & yet not do what I say?” John Bevere said something that I have been chewing on – The love for God will not help you endure until the end. It is the fear of God that will keep you ’til the end (I have paraphased here). I lack the fear of God in my life. 

God is not only our Saviour, but our Lord. Pastor has said this many times. A close translation of the word “Lord” is “Supreme Master”. Have I really related to God & considered Him as my Supreme Master? That is He is the only ONE and HIGHEST in my life? That really it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me? Sadly no… The allegory used by John Bevere in the book, i.e. the kingdom of Affabel makes it easier to understand the truths he is trying to convey. As I said *scary*. 

I’ll work on my spiritual life, cos’ i dun want another year to go by just like tat.. too much is at stake.

- Jordan Sparks is still singing in my head…. “… your on my heart just like a tattoo…”

Maybe one day my picture will appear in art/photo galleries.. you never know..

With his green & black combi, Eric makes a good billboard for Starbuck dun you think?

Grumpy old man ain't lovin' us...

And now for some funnies… hahaha.. :p

Hurry up & sit down! This is the part where Gourmet shares abt his dream girl.. (*remember our lips are very tight...)

Gourment Encounters Ah Beng - The Sequel (hello! Private sms for u to see meh??)

AT & CC – pls dun kill me.. above makes a nice theme lah..

And finally, I could not resist trying out the Vogue magazine shot.. hahahaha.. So I’m vain, sue me! bwahaha…

In Vogue this season - "Knowing your best angle & flaunting it"

Alrighty, I gotta leave to meet Eric for dinner! Expo service shld be ending soon.. will play around somemore with photofunia.. oh! It’s www.photofunia.com (have fun!) ~

~ I really shld be doing my work (which I have brought home), but this is way more interesting comparred to budget projections! )

Long time since I seriously took photos… I’m sooo looking forward to my bridal photos with Lightedpixels next year!! ~

It’s so easy to stray and get off focus when things are screaming at you for attention.. and I especially dun want this syndrome playing out in ministry. I will be taking over a group in children’s church and at first it scared me so much, cos i really dunno if I have wat it takes.. was anxious and worried ever since my ZS told me.. but felt God asking me..

“Grace, so what if you fail? Let’s say you really do fail, so what?”  Guess it was a rhetoric question, cos the answer came straight away to me.. “It won’t change anything between us, I still love you the same”. God is amazing, I love Him. Even though I disappoint Him at times.. He truly is faithful to me, He is for me. I really should not think otherwise ever.

Had an discipleship interview with Ps Eileen.. I was so stressed the day before on Friday man. Think I’m crazy as Eric always says.. hahaha.. anyway, it went well, Ps is so nice. Guess u have to be if ya a children’s church pastor.. haha den again, all chc pastors are! 

Anyway, i know children’s church ministry is demanding, esp as a leader.. i never thot so until i joined last year.. in some sense more demanding than adult ministry. But perhaps they’re just different? Visitations takes up 2 days of the week at times, plus full day serving on Sat. Plus follow-up calls and reports. Therefore, I was really trying to remember that relationship precedes ministry. At the end of the day the only way passion can be maintained is when I dun focus on the demands but the relationships. We can do all the right and needed things.. but if there is no relationship built, touched & love of God flowing, den something essential is sadly lost. Was thinking abt this not just in ministry but all areas of life.. family, work, etc.. you can do all the right & needed things but it’s just the doing.. what are u gaining or building?

We’ve been thought, it’s not the “doing”, it’s the “being”… even in our relationship with God it’s the same.. if prayer, reading the Word, cell, svc is all abt what we have to do, then nothing is worth it.. it’s a requirement, an obligation, a responsibility. It’s no longer what they call it, a “love relationship”. A romancing of the heart & soul.. a touch of God for me & I ministering to His heart as only I can, no one else. 

When it’s abt people, abt real people.. family, friends, cell members, the children, their families, their needs, it’s no longer a demand, no longer an obligation.. Jesus is sufficient for me. As Ps Casey Treat says, it always will be “by grace, through faith”. “Faith to faith” forever.

Could sense the sweet presence of God after few minutes of praying (as I was little late, it seems it was a time to pray on your own).  It’s amazing how an early morning and coming together with believers in a room can make it so easier to feel the presence of God. Could hear God speaking so easily. Perhaps He has always been speaking but being in such an atmosphere will always make hearing so much easier. God’s love is amazing, He truly is amazing for just who He is. Just His character alone, not counting what He does or does not do for us.

I know everything I have and can do is becos’ of Him and I prayed I’ll never forget that as I get older and move up society more or attain more in life. That I will not get stuck in my ways as I get older, but more dependent on Him as I age, despite knowing more, despite experiencing more, despite facing the world and it’s seeming ugliness at times, I pray for deeper dependence. I can’t do it without God…

Think many times in life we get thru’ each day totally relient on our wisdom, strength & understanding. It makes living so hard and not at that max level it was meant to be. “Let us walk in the Spirit”… I want tat flow, tat clearity of mind tat is not rushing & uncertain but at rest and dependent. Yet it’s hard to flow with the Spirit unless we spend time getting into His presence.

Prayed that each cell member will grow spiritually, break every barrier that stands in our way to intimacy with God. Loving Him all over again, never giving up or giving in.

Got the prayer card with a sticker, cool! 5 stickers for a $10 starbucks voucher. I’m still thinking if I shld tell my boss to allow me to be slightly late on some days these 2 weeks. I may have to leave prayer meeting at 7.45am and rush to work, but even so, it’s all worth it. Can understand a little why Dr Cho’s church grew so much. If they pray at even earlier hours each day, everyday, how can it not?

08.08.08 – olympics opening night, national day eve, proposal day!

So I guess the esplanade area will forever hold special meaning to us.. our pa tor days, first kiss, sweet proposal. Nothing OTT, just the way I like it..

God is faithful & ever present. Want this to be all abt Him. Only cos’ of Him that all these are possible.

Qoo

Open Xiaojiang

Fuwa Huan Huan

Hehe, I ain’t telling how the 3 characters were involved in the proposal.. but it was v sweet & personal.

However, for me the key point I took home today was the fact that no one else can make my life any lesser than I allow it to be. In other words, I myself shortchange myself in life. People do this thru’ various ways, like allowing fear to prevent them from stepping out.. fear of what others think, what they are used to, what they think they can accomplish. Or perhaps not trusting others becos of past hurts & betrayals as a form of self protection, the need to withdraw, the desire to shrink into our comfort zones. 

As I thought abt this fact, i.e. we ourselves are the ones shortchanging ourselves, this verse comes to mind: “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” – 2 Cor 9:8. If God has promised that we will always definitely have enough grace do ABOUND in every good work, den the only one sabotaging our chances is yourself! 

Have been thinking abt another verse of late as well: “The kingdom of God suffers violence, and the violent shall take it by force” – Matthew 11:12

Realise much in the kingdom of God has to be taken by force, i.e. we dun sit around waiting for our lives to change just cos we want it to.. we can’t just wait for the devil to stop tormenting us, hope that one day we will be bold and breaking thru’, stepping out, doing more. No.. realise it is now. By faith. Being Bold and Courageous… just like how God exhorted Joshua to be. Take it by force.. the abundant life promised is not going to just fall into our laps.. it’s snatched by force from the enemies’ camp. A camp that has been set up in your mind to limit you all ya life. 

And so it seems these 2 aspects that “we shortchange ourselves” & we shld “take hold of the things of the kingdom by force” seem to gel into one… 

But as Raymond concluded (quoting AR Bernard) tonight.. “The proof of knowledge is in its application”. Check.